


Restart My Life

by maxiemoo01



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Established Relationship, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-30 02:05:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12098322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxiemoo01/pseuds/maxiemoo01
Summary: Dan Howell is constantly making jokes about death and his mental health, that's all they are though right? Just, jokes.





	Restart My Life

Dan often worried about what people would think of him.

He often worried how many people hated him, or thought he was an asshole. 

He often stayed up late, this worry consuming him.

* * *

 Dan ran a hand over his face as he shut his laptop. He had just finished a live stream, and he caught sight of a few comments on his mental health, and on the joke he made in the I am bread video that week.

People weren't being rude, well most weren't, they were just worried, he saw so many people asking if he was okay in the comments of the video and the chat of the live stream.

Normally Dan would just brush it off, tell them "yeah I'm fine" but he wasn't sure this time.

He wasn't sure his "jokes" were really jokes anymore.

His anxiety was eating him up inside, he was constantly worried and jittery, for no reason, he wasn't thinking about life or his future, it would just appear out of nowhere and feel as if someone was sitting on his chest, constricting him to only being able to take shallow breaths.

His depression was another story, even Phil had come to notice Dans behavior.

He was sleeping through most of the day, not eating, not showering, barely ever changing his clothes.

Sure it was gross, but Dan just couldn't find it in him most days to even begin to think about getting dressed or out of bed.

Dan hadn't realized how long he had been sat at his desk before Phil was knocking lightly on his open door.

"Hey, you finished?" Dan jumped a bit before looking at him.

"Yeah... Yeah I finished a few minutes ago."

Phil looked worried as he came over and held his hand out for Dan. "Come on. Let's go watch some anime yeah?" Dan just nodded softly and took his hand.

The self-harm joke in I am bread hadn't gone unnoticed by Phil, or anyone for that matter.

When someone asked him about it on twitter he told them it was supposed to be a joke about knife play.

Which was a lie.

Phil took the joke seriously, Dan had said a bit too seriously. For about fifteen minutes after the video Phil had searched Dans whole body for cuts, anything that looked like it hadn't come from bumping into corners he freaked out about.

The next five minutes were spent with Dan assuring Phil he hadn't, and never would, hurt himself.

Dan felt guilty for saying that though, it wasn't a lie, but he felt it was.

Dan let go of Phil's hand to grab his galaxy blanket, he found it as a form of comfort these days.

Once they made it to the lounge Dan wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, while Phil set up the TV he glanced at Dan.

"How do you feel about watching death note again?" He asked softly. Dan smiled at him, nodding.

"I'm always up for some murderer X detective fan fiction." Phil laughed and pulled the show up, settling on the first episode before placing himself beside Dan, who immediately rested his head on Phil's shoulder and cuddled up to him.

These simple moments made Dan feel better about himself, he felt loved, as Phil kissed his forehead and pulled him closer.

But for some reason Dan couldn't get the shaking feeling something was wrong to leave his mind.

Eventually after about three episodes Phil was ready for bed, he knew Dan would stay up late, as he always did.

So he told him goodnight, kissed him softly and told him to join him in bed when he was ready.

Dan didn't quite know why he stayed up, but he found himself on his bed, in his room, scrolling through his tumblr tag, he was never one to show anyone he was lurking, he liked to look at fan art and he would like it from time to time but he usually strayed from reblogging things, mainly because he had a certain aesthetic for his blog.

However something popped up in his tag, which made him feel like shit.

_"why do people like Danisnotonfire anyway? He's just an annoying ass person who uses mental health to pretend to be "relatable" and sends horrible messages to people with his dumb ass suicide jokes, I swear if I see one more post about that British fuck I'm gonna kill him."_

Dan noted that people never really thought about how other people felt, this person was trying to call him out for his own coping mechanism.

They didn't realize he was actually mentally ill and had to make a full effort to get out of bed everyday.

Dan found himself crying that night, the post wouldn't leave his head, did he really come across as that much of an asshole?

Dan decided he'd stop with his jokes, he'd just internalize things and go on with his day.

It was four AM before Dan crawled into bed with Phil, eyes still red and puffy from crying.

* * *

 The joke thing had been easier said then done.

He managed to cut down on it, stop talking about anxiety and mental health and how he craved death.

He eventually managed to stop, but it caused him many problems, his anxiety just got worse as he tried not to talk about it or even let on he was feeling anxious, his depression was growing at a rapid pace due to keeping his thoughts to himself. 

Dan found himself emotionally spent. 

He stayed in his room most of the day, he barely ate at all, which worried Phil. 

Eventually Dan found himself doing something he promised he never would do. 

He cut himself. 

The first time was on accident, he cut his finger while trying to cut onions and help Phil cook, he stared at it for a moment before just washing it and going on. 

Normally the blood would freak him out, or scare him. Instead he felt oddly comforted by it. 

That night after Phil had gone to bed he found himself unscrewing one of the pencil sharpeners from their stationary sets and sliding the blade across his wrist in the bathroom. 

He watched the blood slowly prickle up and found himself comforted once again. As he watched the blood slide down his arm it was as if his problems and worries slid with it. 

He eventually stopped when he got dizzy and cleaned his arm before pulling his sleeve down. 

Dan then made his way to Phil's room, an overwhelming sense of guilt washing over him as he remembered what he told Phil almost a month ago. 

He then curled next to him, and whispered a small sorry to his sleeping figure. 

Dan didn't sleep that night. 

* * *

 The self harm continued, Dan found himself almost everyday adding new cuts to the collection on his wrists, his own personal work of art. 

Eventually though it became harder to hide, and it didn't give him the same sense of comfort. 

Dan kept going though, he was trying to get back that comfort but it wasn't coming to him, and he hated it. 

Dan wasn't currently right in the head to put it simply. 

So for some reason, he found himself in a bath, the door locked as he dug the blade deep into his skin, it hurt more then anything, but when Dan saw how much blood spilled from his arm,

he had found his comfort again. 

And he just watched, watched as more blood flowed then he thought was possible. 

His head was getting fuzzy, his eyes started to blur and that's when he realized how red the water was, and how badly he was bleeding. 

He noticed the way his eyes blacked out, even though he knew he hadn't closed them. 

Just as Dan was about to lose consciousness he managed to get out one last word. 

"Phil." It was weak, and Dan thought he hadn't even said it loud enough for Phil to understand he was calling for him. 

But just as his vision faded he heard a knock on the door. 

He heard Phil, though everything sounded muted and he couldn't understand what he said. 

His head slipped under the bloody water as he lost consciousness and his boyfriend frantically kicked the door open. 

* * *

 Phil knew Dan was depressed, he knew he had anxiety, he has a degree in psychology for god's sake. 

He knew something was wrong with Dan, he knew with the way he made jokes about death. 

Phil had always nagged him about that, told him he should see someone, a therapist, a psychiatrist, anyone. 

Dan insisted he was fine, he didn't need that kind of help. 

When his jokes stopped Phil thought Dan was getting better, it seemed he was a little better, but something constantly was screaming at the back of his head Dan wasn't okay. 

At this moment Phil had never wished he listened to his head more. 

He was stood in the doorway of the bathroom, having just kicked the door open after hearing his boyfriend weakly call for him.

And now, he was staring at him, Dan, his boyfriend, laying in bloody water. 

As soon as Phil registered that Dans head was under the water he rushed over, pulling him out of the water. 

He frantically searched until he found a towel and washcloth. 

He quickly wrapped the washcloth around the cut on Dans arm and noticed the many others that littered his body. 

His thighs and arms were the worst, but he saw a few small cuts on his stomach. 

Phil wrapped Dan in a towel and picked him up. He was too light, he hadn't been eating but Phil didn't notice this was how bad it was. He rushed to his room, just down the hall, and laid Dan down as he searched for his phone. 

Of course when he needed it most he couldn't find it. 

He searched as fast as he possibly could and eventually found it tucked between his mattress and headboard. 

He dialed 999, words flowing from his mouth on autopilot, the address, the fact he needed an ambulance immediately. 

It didn't take long thankfully for someone to arrive and take Dan to the nearest hospital. 

As they gave him blood and stitched his arm up, Phil was told to fill out paperwork and sit in the waiting room.

So he did, and he curled in on himself as he waited for what felt like forever. 

Eventually Phil was allowed to go to Dans room, and he smiled sadly at the boy, asleep in bed. 

Phil always noted how soft and peaceful Dan looked when he was sleeping, he loved that about him. 

Phil looked at his arm, he saw it was wrapped up and sighed a bit as he walked and sat next to Dans bed, gently taking his hand in his. 

After the nurse left he finally let himself cry.

He didn't know Dan was hurting this bad, he didn't know that he was slowly losing himself and he felt awful for not noticing. 

After a few hours of Phil staying by Dans side the boy finally woke up. 

"Phil?" Phil looked up, smiling at Dan. 

"Hey..." He said softly, kissing his hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Kind of lightheaded... What happened exactly? I... I don't remember much." Phil looked down, feeling more tears prick his eyes. 

"You tried to kill yourself... You cut really deep and lost a lot of blood."

"I wasn't trying to kill myself... I really wasn't, that wasn't my intention I... God this sounds awful but... I felt oddly comforted, by cutting myself, watching myself bleed and it stopped working and I just... Wanted that comfort back." Dan looked down at his covered legs, he couldn't bring himself to look at Phil. 

Phil felt another tear escape his eyes as he looked at Dan. "I'm sorry I let this get so bad... I should've been there for you. I just, I didn't know it was so bad." Dan shook his head, he still couldn't bring himself to look at Phil though. 

"I hid it pretty well. I saw someone make a comment that I was being a bad influence and not actually mentally ill and I felt like I came across as an asshole so I stopped talking about things... Even to you, which now I guess just made everything worse." Phil sighed, kissing his cheek softly. 

"Just... Don't do this to me again, please Dan." Dan finally looked at him and reached up to wipe a test from his cheek.

"I won't."

* * *

 After the first day in the hospital they did a psych evaluation, Dan didn't quite like that, he hated people trying to get into his head.

They returned later that day to tell Dan that he had a mild case of anxiety and major depressive disorder. 

They then told him they were gonna send him to a psychiatric ward. 

Dan didn't want to go, he didn't want to be watched all the time or talk to doctors everyday, he wasn't gonna do it.

Phil managed to convince him, he told him he'd visit him when he could and that he wouldn't be there long. 

Phil left Dan for a little while to get clothes for Dans stay at the place, and when he returned they left for the ward. 

Dan got searched, had his things looked through, and then he was sent to his room for the night.

He didn't like that he had a roommate, or that he had to let them cut the strings out of Phil's hoodie just so he could keep it, but he hoped that this place would let him get a little better. 

* * *

The psych ward wasn't too bad. The worst experience Dan had though was on the second night.

It was about eight o'clock when they got their nightly medicine, and Dan was leaned against the wall, he was to go next, he was wearing Phil's blue pug jumper and his damned emoji pajama pants, but he didn't care, cause they were Phil's.

  
One of the biggest rules of the psych ward was the fact that the child, adolescent and adult units weren't allowed to interact at all.

  
This didn't bother Dan at all, as he leaned back against the wall waiting for his turn, he had his arms crossed and eyes closed, hair still wet from his shower and slowly curling as the girl ahead of him took each pill one by one, the door to the adolescent unit opened and a small group of four girls walked out, chatting amongst themselves, until one girl looked at Dan.

Dan didn't notice anyone looking at him until he heard the girls, not so quiet, whisper.

"Is that Dan Howell?" The first girl asked another. 

"No way it can't be!" Another girl replied, they were all looking at Dan now and he was trying to ignore them. 

"Yeah it is! Look he's wearing Phil's clothes." The first girl spoke up again, and Dan never wanted anything more then to shrink into himself.

"Guys would you shut up and leave him alone." A third girl spoke, and Dan felt thankful for her shutting the two up. 

Dan didn't expect what happened next though.

The first girl walked up to him, despite the rules and began speaking to him.

Dans heart was beating so fast in his chest he hadn't registered what she said, and then she was being pulled away and yelled at.

Dan didn't notice that he was supposed to go up and get his bracelet scanned.

Instead he was busy with his labored breathing, tears pricking at his eyes.

What was this girl gonna tell the internet when she went home? Was she gonna tell them about how he was cuddled into Phil's shirt and looked like absolute shit with his stitched up arm and scars.

He didn't know what to do and he was breaking down hard. 

The next thing he knew he was being pulled away from the scene as another adult went ahead of him. 

Dan didn't even notice as he let the tears fall from his cheeks, and all he wanted was Phil in that moment. 

A staff member out her hand on his shoulder and he was instantly snapped to reality, the girl was looking at him worriedly, trying to help him calm down and eventually he did, and now he just felt exhausted, now he just wanted to go to sleep.

But instead he was gonna be interrogated first. 

"What happened Dan?" The girl asked, her voice was soothing and she was the nurse Dan liked the most so far, she was calm and sweet, the others tended to lose their tempers easily. 

"That girl... Coming up to me it just... Scared me, because I don't know what she's gonna tell people online about me after seeing me in a psych ward..." The nurse nodded softly.

"Well Dan, sweetie you don't have to let her ruin your life, she can say what she wants online but you know the truth, and if people ask you about it and you don't wanna tell them you we or weren't here just ignore them." Dan nodded softly to her. 

"Thank you." He said. 

"No need to thank me, now come on let's get you your medicine." 

* * *

They got visitors the next day, and Dan cried when he saw Phil, he hugged him tightly, and cried into his shoulder, he missed him so much. 

They sat at a table, and held hands as they talked, Dan told Phil about the girl and he promised he wouldn't let anything happen to him or his privacy. 

They shared small, sneaky kisses cause they weren't allowed to but they did anyway, and after an hour Dan cried again as he hugged Phil tightly and he was forced to leave.

Dan knew he could get out of here and get better, but having Phil by his side helped. 

* * *

 

After two weeks Dan was released with a bag filled with different art projects and writing projects, a list of medication, and an appointment with a psychiatrist and psychologist.

Phil picked Dan up, the whole drive home he spoke about how proud he was of Dan and how he promised he would look after him better, and Dan would just assure him he was fine.

That night they stayed in, cuddled up on the couch, they had take out for dinner and watched anime, and Dan was happy to be home.

It was about a month before Dan began to think about making a video again. It started when he saw tweets from several people, asking him if he had been in a psych ward cause someone claimed to see him, and other people were just asking where he'd been, since he hadn't really said anything since he stopped talking about mental health. 

He smiled a bit and put out a quick tweet. 

_'gonna record a video today so expect a video tonight or tomorrow'_

with that Dan got the camera set up and sat in his normal recording room. 

He ran a hand through his hair and then clicked record. 

"Hello internet, as you can tell its been a while! Sure you guys are probably used to my unusual upload schedule but I haven't been on social media in almost three months, nor done any liveshows." Dan chuckled softly to himself. 

"I've seen a few "rumors" as to where I've been, but their is a truth. Something I don't really talk much about is mental health, sure I make my jokes and talk about anxiety but I've never made a full video on mental health and depression." Dan sighed a bit. 

"I promised myself I never would but here we are. So one rumor I've seen is I'm dead, obviously that's not true, but I came pretty close. I've always had hints of depression and anxiety, I've never really had it looked into though, I hate people trying to get into my head and stuff. But about three months ago, right before I quit being on and doing everything I saw someone talk about how I was an asshole for making jokes about mental health, so I stopped talking about it, and making jokes, but I found that made everything worse."

"I found myself not leaving my bed for entire days, it's not like I was doing anything all I did was sleep, I barely ate, basically I was a wreck. Then one night I had gotten out of bed and was helping Phil make dinner. I cut my finger. Normally something I would freak out about but not this time, this time was weird, I had an odd sense of comfort watching blood form. That same night I ended up beginning to self harm. It was something that seemed to make my mind stop screaming and my worries drip away." Dan looked down at his long sleeves and instinctively pulled them down to hide his wrists.

"Eventually that wasn't enough, of course, so one night I cut deeper then I had before, which led to me being out in the hospital, I lost a lot of blood and had to have my arm stitched up. It was at that point someone came and diagnosed me with a mild case of anxiety and major depressive disorder. It was then, that I was checked into a psychiatric ward. Which is another rumor going around, which is in fact true. A girl saw me getting ready to get my medicine for the night, and while the adults and younger kids aren't supposed to interact tried to talk to me. So in assuming that's where that one came from." Dan smiled a bit at the camera. 

"But I'm much better now! I got out a month ago and I haven't touched a blade since, Phil has taken good care of me too, and bless him for dealing with all this. But I'm the happiest I've ever been, so no need to worry about me. If you are having suicidal thoughts, or are harming yourself, please look for help, if you can't confide in family or friends at least talk to a professional, or a suicide hotline, just get yourself help, don't be dumb like me and let it get out of hand."

Dan ended the video there and smiled a bit to himself, after a bit of editing, he added a few resources to the description of the video and uploaded it.

* * *

 Dan often worried what people would think of him.

But this time he didn't, because he was proud of himself, that's all that mattered. 

**Author's Note:**

> This story was based off of my own personal experiences, if you are having trouble, or struggling to stay happy, please reach out to someone cause someone is always willing to listen and talk.  
> National suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Crisis text line: Text HOME to 741741 (US only)


End file.
